How to Deal with Loneliness

There are different kinds of loneliness and different degrees of loneliness. You might experience loneliness as a vague feeling that something is not right, a kind of minor emptiness. Or you might feel loneliness as a very intense deprivation and deep pain. One type of loneliness might be related to missing a specific individual because they have died or because they are so far away.

Another type might involve feeling alone and out of contact with people because you are actually physically isolated from people. You might even feel emotionally isolated when you are surrounded by people but are having difficulty reaching out to them.

Loneliness is different than just being alone

Loneliness is not the same as being alone. There are times when we choose to be alone or find ourselves alone. Rather, loneliness is the feeling of being alone and feeling sad about it. And, of course, all of us feel lonely some of the time. It is when we seem trapped in our loneliness that it becomes a real problem.

How do we contribute to our own sense of loneliness?

Loneliness is a passive state. That is, it is maintained by our passively letting it continue and doing nothing to change it. We hope it will go away, eventually, and we do nothing but let it envelop us. Strangely, there are times when we might even embrace the feeling. Yet, embracing loneliness and sinking down into the feelings associated with it usually leads to a sense of depression and helplessness, which, in turn, leads to an even more passive state and more depression.

Recognize the lonely feelings and express them

To stop feeling lonely, we first must accept that we are feeling lonely. Sometimes admitting that to ourselves is difficult. We then have to express those feelings of loneliness in some way. We might find ourselves writing in a diary, writing an imaginary letter to a friend or relative, drawing or painting a picture, making up a song, or doing anything else that lets us begin to express the feelings we have inside us—including talking with other people!

Expressing our feelings might lead us to discover that we feel a number of things which might be connected to our feelings of loneliness, including sadness, anger, and frustration. We might be able to begin to see where these feelings are coming from—what they are connected to in our lives. As we begin to see the connections we will be more able to begin to make changes.

Become more active

The big change, of course, is to stop being passive and become more active. If we’re missing someone, such as parents, family, or friends, we can telephone, write, text, e-mail or visit them. Talking to an understanding friend can often help change our mood as well. If we don’t have an understanding friend, talking with a pastor, teacher or counselor might be a place to start.

If we are lonely because we are missing someone who has died, being able to express our grief at their loss and beginning to remember our happier moments with them and knowing that those memories can always be with us, can move us away from the lonely feelings. This can also apply to losses of significant friendships or partners.

Get involved in activities or clubs

  • Getting involved in some sort of activity or club can accomplish several things.
  • It can take our minds off of feeling lonely as we get involved in the enjoyable activity.
  • It can actually change our mood directly in this way. It can give us opportunities to meet people with similar interests.
  • It can provide some structure in our lives so that we have things to look forward to.
  •  It can remind us of how good we might have felt in the past doing similar things.

Sometimes these effects can come very quickly and sometimes they may come more slowly. We might really need to push ourselves to go to meetings or talk to people or attend several activities before we begin to feel comfortable with what we are doing and begin to see progress. Perhaps something to avoid is to attempt to join a club or organization or to develop a new interest just because we think it will make us a better or more interesting person.

A better strategy might be to get involved in something because we know we’ve enjoyed it in the past or because we think it might be fun.

That way we’re more likely to find ourselves enjoying what we’re doing and being with people who genuinely enjoy the same things. We may also find out that some people like us for the way we already are. An added bonus is that we might also begin to realize that we could choose to engage in some of those activities or interests entirely on our own without feeling lonely.

(Counseling Center has a “Social Confidence Group” every semester, come by the Counseling Center and sign up today)