Crowded movies, metric system: A few of his least favorite thingsSept. 9, 2003
By Peter Anzollitto, columnist
Let me set the stage; you are at a soda fountain and as you are dispensing your beverage the spigot next to yours decides to send a little dribble your way. A single droplet dramatically falls and rolls down your knuckles.
This is not any soda; by the way, it is Big Red and has left a single saccharinely sweet red line down your hand. This line cannot be rubbed away.
You can't lick your thumb and expect the saliva to be enough lubricant for this mess to be gone, it only smears. Now you have a big red blotch on your hand and, incidentally, this happened to me on my first day back at school.
I have decided that instead of becoming bitter I will share my tribulations with you, reader, knowing that you can empathize. So as these first few weeks of school pass and you are tried by any of these circumstances just remember you are not alone. In other words, these are a few things I hate.
Have you ever been in a movie theater and someone comes and sits down right next to you? I always strategically place myself so that I am not sitting next to anyone I do not know, leaving a buffer zone of at least one seat.
I do not want to share my armrest with these people; go away! In addition, there is a reason why 10-year-olds are not allowed into R-rated movies; it is so they cannot kick the back of my seat.
This brings me to another point, every Ice Cube movie I see progressively becomes the worst movie I have ever seen. For years I took pride in telling everyone that I had indeed seen Anaconda and it was the worst movie ever. However, I recently saw John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars, enough said.
I think the world would be a better place if someone just sat Ice Cube down and said, 'Listen Mr. Cube, the movie thing, not really working out for you. Please stop.' No, instead I will be subjected to yet another Friday sequel.
To be honest, I don't really care for the metric system. I remember a traumatic day in my life as a second grader when the teacher told my class of this 'other thing' that was 'a little bit bigger than a yard,' and everything went downhill after that.
To add insult to injury, everyone always insists that the metric system 'makes more sense' and is really easier to use, yet I still am baffled. I would like to simply return the metric system to Europe with a pleasant 'no thanks' and see if they will take Mr. Bean back too.
So to return to my story, I went and washed my hands. I guess that is what you have to do in life. Ignore the kid kicking your chair, turn off the bad movie, and for goodness sake, be glad that they still post road signs in miles per hour. Have a great year, and don't let the small things get you down.